


The One Where Joey Loves Chandler

by Cryptidneet



Category: Friends (TV)
Genre: Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Joey loves Chandler, M/M, chandler is so emotionally fucked up, its rough not gonna lie, vomit warning in chapter 3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-17
Updated: 2018-04-20
Packaged: 2019-04-01 11:10:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13997028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cryptidneet/pseuds/Cryptidneet
Summary: Chandler begins to have doubts about his relationship after a sleepy confession from Joey.





	1. I Love You

**Author's Note:**

> Originally this was supposed to be a chapter in By Your Hand but I liked the idea enough to make this a multi chapter fic of it's own!! Hopefully its interesting enough !!

“I love you.”

Chandler’s eyes snap open as he registers the three words that Joey has just sleepily mumbled to him moments before falling asleep.

“What?” He says, sitting up and staring down at Joey’s figure laying next to him. He grabs his boyfriend’s shoulder and shakes him slightly. “What did you say?”

Joey mumbles something inaudible back, shrugging Chandler’s hand off and burying further into the blankets. It takes him seconds to fall back into sleep.

Chandler continues to stare at his boyfriend, his heart pounding furiously in his chest and his hands damp with nervous sweat.

Joey _loved_ him?

He swallows thickly and for a minute, he’s pretty sure he’s about to throw up. They’d only been dating for a few months, there was no way Joey could _already_ be in love with him.

Right?

Chandler spends the rest of the night staring at the ceiling, flinching when Joey’s hand so much as brushes against him.

* * *

 

“You look like shit. Did you get any sleep?” Joey mumbles as he wakes up the next morning. Chandler scowls.

“Thanks, man. Really appreciate it,” He grumbles, sitting at the edge of the bed in nothing more then his boxers. Joey frowns and reaches for him, trying to pull him back to the bed.

“Really Chandler, did you sleep at all last night?”

Chandler sighs through his nose and closes his eyes, leaning forward slightly.

“No.”

“Are you having trouble sleeping again?” Joey asks, sitting up. The sheets fall into his lap and if Chandler wasn’t so stressed, he’d find the sight adorable.

He can barely look at Joey right now.

“I’m fine,” Is all he says as he tugs a shirt on over his head.

“Chandler,” Joey says, standing and reaching for a pair of pants from the floor. “Don’t do this, man. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong, Joe.” Chandler says softly, trying to indicate with his tone that he doesn’t want to have this conversation now (or ever really) as he drags himself out of the room; Joey frowns but follows him all the same.

“Did I do something?” Joey apparently isn’t getting the hint because he continues to press the subject.

“No. Just drop it, Joey,” Chandler insists, throwing open the door to the fridge. He feigns looking for food but he’s really just trying to get Joey to leave it alone.

“I can tell when you’re upset,”

“I said I’m fine, okay? So just _drop_ it,” Chandler swings around to snap at his boyfriend. Joey doesn’t flinch but instead, stares cooly at him.

Chandler immediately feels bad but Joey’s already walking across the apartment and into his own room.

“Alright, fine. Let me know when you’re done throwin’ your little hissy fit.” Chandler sticks his tongue out at his boyfriend in a childish gesture of defiance as the door swings shut.

* * *

 

“Joey loves me.”

Rachel raises an eyebrow and glances at him from behind an oversized coffee mug.

“You don’t sound too happy about that,” She says. Chandler slumps further into the chair and rubs his hands over his face. “Shouldn’t that be a good thing?”

“You don’t think we’re moving too fast?” He frets, peering at Rachel from between his fingers.

“I think you guys are fine!” She enthuses, reaching out to nudge his leg affectionately. “You’ve been dating for what? 5 months? But you’ve been close for years!”

Chandler bites the inside of his cheek and averts his gaze.

“It’s okay to be scared, sweetie. You’ve never had a relationship like this before.”

“Rach, I don’t know if I love him. That’s the problem!” He moves his hands up from his face and into his hair, tousling the already messy locks.

“You’ve never been in love, have you?” She asks quietly and he opens his eyes to stare shyly at her.

“I don’t know.”

“Then you haven’t,” She decides, crossing her arms. “You’d know if you have.”

“So I don’t love Joey then? Rach, do I need to _breakup_ with him?” He’s growing increasingly frustrated and this conversation isn’t going the direction he’d wanted it to.

He’d honestly been hoping that he could tell one of the girls his problem and they’d tell him what to do and everything would be fine. This isn’t what he wanted to happen.

“I’m not saying you have to break up with him! Just be honest with him. Next time he says it, tell him what you feel, okay?”

“I’m so bad at that,” Chandler whines. “How can I tell him what I’m feeling when _I_ don’t even know what I’m feeling!”

“You two are best friends, you’ll work it out,” Rachel winks at him while getting to her feet. “I gotta get back to work now. Good luck, Chandler!” She calls over her shoulder.

“You suck at this!” He cries as she leaves.

* * *

 

“You done being all weird?” Joey asks as he comes home that evening.

“Am I ever done being weird?” Chandler shoots back, shrugging his jacket off. Joey hums and leans forward.

“We gonna talk about this morning?”

There it is. The conversation Chandler had been dreading all day. He was going to have to talk about feelings and shit with his boyfriend.

They both sucked at this.

“Sure, I guess.” Chandler shrugs, feigning nonchalance. Joey doesn’t buy it.

“Why were you acting weirder than usual this morning?” He says without missing a beat.

“You said something last night and I kinda… freaked out,” Chandler admits, glancing shyly at his boyfriend.

“What’d I say?”

“You said you loved me.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

Joey bites his lip and averts his eyes.

“When did I say that?”

“Last night- when you were falling asleep,” Chandler says quietly. The tension is so high and Chandler’s honestly hoping that a hole will open up in the ground and suck him in so he doesn’t have to endure this any longer.

“Listen Chandler, I didn’t mean to- I was waiting. I wanted to find out how you felt before I said anything-” Joey’s rambling on, putting out excuse after excuse.

“Joey- hey, it’s okay,” Chandler says softly, reaching to take one of his hands. “I get it… sorta.”

“I didn’t mean to scare you with that,” Joey admits, rubbing the back of his neck nervously.

“It’s fine,” Silence… and then, “So you love me?”

“Of course I do,” Joey says, his voice barely above a whisper. “Chandler, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

“When did you know you loved me?”

“I don’t know, it just kinda hit me? I was watchin’ you one day and all I could think was ‘Wow! I want to spend every second of my life with him’, y’know?”

And Chandler feels his heart shatter into a thousand pieces because he _doesn’t_ know. He’s so emotionally fucked up that no, he doesn’t know what that feels like. His throat tightens up and tears threaten to spill but Joey, oh sweet Joey, interprets his unfalling tears as one’s of happiness and smiles.

“I’ve never felt this way about anyone before, Chandler. I’ve never loved someone as much as I love you.”

It’s too much. It’s way too much for him to handle.

The situation is suddenly so overwhelming and it’s triggering Chandler’s flight or fight response so he does the only thing he knows how to.

He runs.

Chandler chokes out a quick, ‘Thanks, Joe’ and takes off like a bullet. He stumbles at the door while Joey stands and shouts in alarm, but by the time he makes it to the door, Chandler’s already halfway down the stairs.

He’s must be the worst kind of person.

What kind of person takes off running when their boyfriend spills their heart and soul to them?

Chandler is that person.

* * *

 

Chandler doesn’t return home until evening of the next day and he’s never felt more unwelcome in his life.

He’d spent the last 3 hours wandering the streets of New York with little to no regard for his own safety. He’d been so caught up in his own emotional turmoil that he’d let himself walk until the street lights flickered on above and he was suddenly very aware of how dark it was getting.

The walk home had been a long one and Chandler hadn’t done much to speed up the process; he was still going over exactly what he was going to say to Joey when he got home. He’d spent hours planning and rehearsing the words that he knew needed to be said.

He couldn’t avoid it any longer; it was inevitable.

The door to the apartment he shares with Joey is locked when he tries to enter so he knocks and calls of Joey’s name until the girl’s apartment door swings open to reveal a very angry looking Rachel.

This wasn't part of his plan at all.

“Where the hell have you been?” She demands, crossing her arms and glaring daggers at him. Chandler’s sure that if looks could kill, he’d be dead on the spot.

“Where’s Joey?” Is all he says, hand still holding the doorknob to the locked door.

“Oh no, you don’t,” Rachel laughs bitterly, stalking forward to grab his arm and tug him into her own apartment. “You don’t get to see him yet.”

“Rach, let go. I need to talk to Joey,” He says, weakly fighting to escape her grip.

“You had your chance to talk to him and you _ran away_ ,” Rachel tightens her hold on him enough to make him flinch. Turns out, Rachel’s pretty damn strong when she’s mad.

Chandler’s lips are thin as he’s pushed onto the couch. In the back of his mind, he wonders exactly how much Joey told her.

“What happened, Chandler? Joey’s barely said a word to us since you ran out on him yesterday.”

Apparently not much.

“There’s not much to tell,” Chandler admits sheepishly. “Joey told me he loved me so I freaked out and took off.”

“Why?” Rachel’s voice is heartbreakingly soft and Chandler knows that heartbreak is for Joey alone; Chandler knows he doesn’t deserve any feelings of sorrow right now. “Chandler do you have any idea how badly you hurt him?”

“I know,” Chandler groans, running frustrated hands through his hair. “I know I fucked up-- that’s why I need to talk to him!”

“What are you going to say when you do?”

Chandler takes a deep breath. He’d been rehearsing this to go over with Joey but it wouldn’t hurt to practice with Rachel.

“I’m going to end things with him.”

Rachel’s mouth opens and closes in shocked silence, her eyes wide with poorly concealed horror.

“You’re going to _breakup_ with Joey? Chandler, you two can work past it, don’t quit because things got a little hard!” She pleads, grabbing one of his hands.

“Rach, He’s in love with me but I can’t… I don’t feel the same,” He feels horrible saying it out loud but it’s the truth. It’s the horrible, _horrible_ truth that Chandler has spent almost 3 hours convincing himself of. “I don’t want to hurt him.”

“Chandler, he’ll be crushed if you do this.”

“I know, but I’m just leading him on like this. Joey deserves to be with someone who loves him back, I can’t be that person for him,” Tears sting his eyes and he blinks them back without success. They slide down his cheeks, drop off his chin and land in warm little spots on the back of his hand. He focuses on them in an attempt to look anywhere _but_ at Rachel.

“Chandler…” She says softly, handing him a box of tissues from the table. “Think about what’ll happen if you do this.”

“I already have,” He admits, using a tissue to wipe away the stray tears remaining on his face. It’s all he’s _been_ thinking about since he ran out earlier this evening.“I’ll move out. It wouldn’t be fair to Joey to have to find a new place to live right after being dumped.”

“Where will you go?”

“I don’t know. I’ll find a place for myself or maybe crash with my mom for a few weeks,” The idea of staying with his mom is less than desirable but he knows she wouldn’t turn him away if he needed her. “Or maybe Ross will let me stay with him.”

The silence is long and full of tension as neither of them know what to say.

“I’m still mad at you,” Rachel says eventually, glancing at him with red rimmed eyes.

“I’m mad at myself,” Chandler says quietly. “I fucking hate myself for doing this to him.”

“Then don’t. Chandler, Joey is your best friend and I know you two can work through this,” She’s back to pleading with him but it falls on deaf ears.

“Rachel, I already told you why this won’t work,” He sighs, leaning forward to bury his face in his hans “This is something I _have_ to do.”


	2. I'm Not In Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tensions are high between the boys and Chandler doesn't feel too good about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter!! i hope you like it!! chandler fucks things up :-)

“You’re breaking up with me?”

Chandler bites his lip as Joey stares at him with wide eyes. It’s just as hard as he had expected it to be and Joey reacts exactly as he knew he would.

“Is it because I said I love you? Chandler, I didn’t mean to scare you off, I’m sorry!” Joey’s voice cracks and Chandler can feel his heart shatter into a thousand pieces but he keeps reminding himself _why_ he has to do this.

“It’s not your fault, Joey. I don’t want to hurt you anymore,” Chandler says softly, reaching to take one of Joey’s hands.

“What do you mean? Chandler, you aren’t hurting me!”

“I can’t return your feelings,” Chandler explains softly. “Joey, I can’t keep leading you on like this.”

Joey shakes his head slowly and pulls his hand out of Chandler’s.

“We can work through this. I’ll wait for you, even if it takes you years to feel the same way. Chandler, I’ll wait as long as you need me to, _please_!” Joey’s voice is so heartbreakingly desperate.

Chandler bites his lip again to fight back the tears threatening to spill. He feels like the apartment is sweltering and he wipes the back of his hand across his sweaty forehead.

“I’m sorry, Joe. I just don’t love you.”

He’s not sure he’ll ever be able to get Joey’s grief-stricken face out of his mind.

* * *

 

Joey watches Chandler the entire time he packs. It's uncomfortable and tensions are through the roof but neither man chooses to acknowledge it.

Joey keeps his express guarded the entire time and Chandler does his best not to look in his general direction, instead, opting to keep his eyes glued firmly to his luggage.

He hates moving.

He hates hurting Joey.

He hates this whole, fucked up situation they're in-- that _he_ got them in.

“Will you be okay on rent?” Chandler says. He keeps the volume of his voice quiet but the room is so deadly quiet he could have been yelling and it wouldn't have made a difference.

Joey doesn't answer him nor give any indication that he even _heard_ Chandler.

He tries again.

“I left all the stuff for the bills on the counter, have you had a chance to look through them?” This time Chandler glances up to find Joey still staring, his face set in stone.

No answer.

Chandler could've been talking to a wall and it wouldn't make a difference.

“I can lend you some money if you need it -”

“I don't need your charity,” Joey spits out, shocking Chandler with the venom in his words.

Joey had _never_ spoken so harshly to him before. It hurts more than he'd like to admit.

“Okay-- okay!” Chandler rushes to diffuse the situation before one of them does or says something they'll regret. “This is all just kinda… abrupt,”

“I wonder why that is,” Joey's words are so grossly sarcastic and it puts Chandler on edge, more so then he was before.

“Let's not do this right now, okay? I'm almost done and when I am, I'll leave and you won't have to look at me anymore, sound good?”

They're back to Chandler talking and Joey not even attempting to pretend to care or listen.

It takes Chandler nearly 15 minutes to finish packing his clothes and lug all the baggage to the door.

“I'm staying with Ross for a while, okay? I'll arrange to have my furniture picked up sometime this week and then I'll be out of your hair for good,” Chandler says as Joey watches him from the living room.

Joey nods wordlessly and Chandler takes that as his cue to leave. He sweeps his gaze around the small apartment and feels the familiar sense of dread wash over him once again. He’s been carrying around a heavy pit in his stomach since the breakup and it seems that leaving the place he’s called home for the last 5 years isn’t helping to ease it.

Chandler releases a slow breath he wasn’t aware he was holding before pushing the door open and hauling his luggage out of the apartment.

The door closes behind him with a ‘click’ that resounds endlessly in his head.

* * *

 “Thanks for letting me crash at your place,” Chandler says with a shaky smile to Ross who seems beyond thrilled to be sharing a home with his old college roommate again.

“Hey man, it’s not a problem. It’ll be like college all over again!”

The sentence has Chandler’s stomach rolling uncomfortably. College wasn’t a bad experience at all for him but he’s much more fond of adult life; there’s a lot less homework in the real world.

And he can drink himself into a stupor if he so feels.

He really feels like doing that right now.

“Yeah,” He says nervously, swallowing down the sick feeling rising in his chest as Ross helps drag his suitcase into the guest room.

“I’ll let you get settled in. Do you, uh, do you need anything?” Ross says, as Chandler follows behind him with the remaining bags. Since when did he own so many articles of clothing?

“No, I'm fine. Thanks Ross,” Chandler smiles as Ross leaves, carefully closing the door behind him and allowing silence to fill the room.

He misses Joey.

He shouldn't-- he _knows_ he shouldn't, but he does.

Chandler shakes his head in frustration. _He_ was the one to end things between them, this was what he wanted… right?

So why does it hurt so bad?

He needs a distraction. Chandler's gaze whips across the room, looking for something to take his mind off the growing cloud of regret that's hanging over him when he spots the pile of luggage sitting on the bed.

He unpacks slowly, paying careful attention to where he puts everything in an attempt to keep his mind off Joey. It's easier said than done.

He feels like Monica, sorting and resorting each shirt, hanging them up in color coded order and then redoing it all when he still feels like shit after.

A knock at the door shakes him out of his organization trance and he hollers a clumsy greeting.

“Hey, man. What's up?” Ross says, poking his head into the room.

“Just, uh, just unpacking,” Chandler says, gesturing to the neatly organized closet.

“Wow!” Ross exclaims, opening the door further to stand in the room. “Did Monica do this?”

“No, no it was me,” Chandler admits, somewhat sheepishly. “Did you need something?”

“Oh! Yeah, I made some sandwiches if you're hungry,” Ross says and Chandler's stomach lurches again.

The thought of eating actually makes him feel sick.

Maybe he is sick? It would explain why he's feeling this way.

“Oh, sure!” Chandler fakes his enthusiasm, much like everything else these days. “That sounds great! I'll be out there in a minute.”

Ross nods before leaving and Chandler is once again alone.

His stomach still hurts and now he has to actually socialize? He's _so_ not up for this right now.

He still forces himself out in the living room; Ross was nice enough to lend him a place to stay and even make lunch, the _least_ Chandler can do is make an effort to be polite.

“Have you talked to Joey?” Ross says when Chandler finally makes an appearance.

“Since I broke his heart and he gave me the cold shoulder? No,” Chandler responds through a bite of sandwich.

“That sucks. So you aren't gonna try to work things out? You two are best friends, you could probably figure _something_ out,” Ross is so naively hopeful and Chandler almost finds it endearing.

“I don't really wanna talk about this right now,” He swallows the bite of sandwich and it sits like a rock in his stomach. “I left things pretty bad between us.”

Ross grimances and the conversation dies there.

* * *

 

Avoiding your ex turns out to be pretty damn hard when you share the same circle of friends.

They frequently run into each other in the hallway or at Monica's and it doesn't get any less awkward over time.

It isn't until one day, Chandler decides on an impulse to take Ross’ advice and try to figure something out between them.

“Hey-- can we talk?” Chandler says abruptly as he and Joey pass in the hallway between apartments 19 and 20. Joey pauses and glances nervously in his direction.

“Do we have to?” He asks, his voice holding absolutely no warmth at all.

“I think we do. Listen, I know you aren't happy with me but if we both want to keep being friends with the others than we have to at least pretend to get along with each other,” Chandler starts, shoving his hands into his pockets.

“I guess,” Joey shrugs, looking everywhere _but_ at Chandler.

“I'm willing to make an effort if you are,” Chandler tries, trying to look like this isn't one of the hardest things he's had to do. “We just need to act like we did before we started dating.”

It's not as hard as breaking Joey's heart but it's up there.

“Sure, whatever,” Joey huffs with a shrug and Chandler can't help but feel annoyed.

“Joey, I’m trying to make this easier for us,” Chandler says, annoyance burning a hole in his chest. “Do you even care about what I’m saying?”

“Listen, Chandler, you're not the one who has to stand here and listen to the asshole who broke your heart say 'lets pretend to be friends’ like none of this ever happened! Maybe I'm not ready to go back to what we were before,” Joey retorts, turning to face Chandler with an anger in his eyes.

“What do you mean?”

“Maybe _you_ can, but I can’t just pretend like this didn’t happen-- that we didn’t happen! I can’t just _forget_ that you took off after I told you my feelings and broke my fucking heart, Chandler! Obviously you meant more to me than I meant to you and I can’t just forget about that!” Joey’s voice is raising in volume and Chandler can’t help his own anger from bubbling to the surface.

“You think this is easy for me? I didn’t like hurting you, Joey! You meant a lot to me but it didn’t-- _couldn’t_ work out! Why don’t you understand that?”

“I’m havin’ a hard time understanding because _you_ aren’t making any sense!” Joey shouts, throwing his hands up. “How the _fuck_ am I supposed to understand how much I meant to you when you’re saying shit like how it didn’t work out! What didn’t work out? Chandler, I can’t read your mind, I don’t know what’s going on in that fucked up head of yours!”

“I had my reasons, okay?” Chandler spits, his face red with anger.

“ _This_ is why we didn’t work out! You don’t talk to me! How the hell are we supposed to work out our problems when you don’t ever tell me what’s wrong?”

“You wouldn’t understand.”

“How the fuck would you know that when you won’t even _try_?” Joey stresses, his frustration finally peaking. “Chandler, I’m done with this. I’m not going to pretend like everything is fine and we aren’t going back to what we were before, okay? That ship has sailed. You have to deal with whatever shit you have going on and I have to deal with my own, _okay_?”

“Fine,” Chandler spits, crossing his arms and staring cooly at the man he used to share his life with. Joey lets out a noise of exasperation before spinning around, storming into apartment 19 and slamming the door shut.

He’s beginning to hate the sound of silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm still aiming to get new chapters up on fridays but next week's might be early or late (depending on when I finish it) since I'm going out of town for my birthday lol 
> 
> but i hope y'all liked this update! i cant wait for y'all to read the next one tho, its gonna be a doozy :-)


	3. What You Do To Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> True feelings begin to surface as the consequences of Chandler's actions begin to dawn on him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry i missed last weeks update!! i was out of town and planned to post this chapter when I got back but it wasn't actually finished. I ended up rewriting the entire thing because I felt like I could do better! I hope this was worth the wait lol

It only takes Joey a week to find a new relationship and roommate all in the form of an attractive woman named Janine.

Chandler’s gotten pretty good at pretending this doesn’t complete tear him apart, inside and out.

“I hear she’s a dancer!” Ross says, a little too excitedly, one evening as they stretch out on the couch in Monica’s living room.

“So what?” Chandler’s attempt at feigning nonchalance doesn’t exactly come across like he wanted it too. Instead, he seems more ignorant than anything.

“So what? Dude, have you seen her!? She’s gorgeous and she’s a dancer!” Ross’ eyes are wide and he sits up a little straighter to stare incredulously at Chandler.

“What makes you think I _want_ to hear about Joey’s new apparently super hot girlfriend?” Chandler huffs, sinking further into the couch. Monica glances over at him and gives him a look that implies she knows something. It makes him more than slightly uncomfortable.

“Relax man, I thought you two were cool?”

The news of Chandler and Joey’s ugly fight hadn’t apparently spread throughout the group yet. Monica gives him another look and Chandler squirms uncomfortably; she definitely knows something.

“I never said that,” Chandler grumbles, staring hard at the flashing screen of the T.V. in front of him in a last ditch attempt to look anywhere but at his friend’s questioning looks. He’s been doing everything he can to avoid conversations about him and Joey’s relationship and anything that may have gone on between them recently.

“Chandler?” Monica finally speaks and Chandler swallows, absently rubbing his sweaty palms on the fabric of his jeans. “What exactly did happen between you and Joey?”

“I don’t know what you mean,” He says, his body ridgid as he glares at the ground in hopes that a hole will suddenly open him up and swallow him so he doesn't have to partake in what this conversation had potential to turn into. This kind of stuff is what got him into this mess and he’ll be damned if he let’s it happen again.

“I think you do,” Monica says softly, coming around the other side of the couch to turn off the T.V. and allowing the heated silence to fill the apartment. Chandler grimances but continues to stare at the now blank screen of the television.

“Nothing happened,” It’s a weak lie but it’s all he can come up with under the intense gazes of his two friends; Chandler’s never been good under pressure.

“I can tell when you’re lying,” Monica chides, crossing her arms and giving him her best stern mother look. It almost makes him feel like a child just caught with his hands in the cookie jar.

“Okay, we had a little talk in the hallway last week,” He admits, wrapping his hands anxiously around each other. “A little fight. A tiny one.”

“A tiny fight?” Monica raises an eyebrow and shoots him an unimpressed look.

“Okay,” Chandler can’t help but completely crumble under her questions; he recognizes the fact that he’d be horrible in a criminal interrogation. “A big fight.”

“What happened?”

“I may have said some stuff that he didn’t like. I told him I wanted to go back what we were before we broke up. I told him we could always pretend to be friends so we could still hang out with everyone. I thought maybe we could pretend that we never happened.”

“And you’re surprised he didn’t take that well?”

“I admit it was stupid.”

“Stupid? Chandler, Joey told you that he loves you and you turn around and break up with him and then tell him you want to forget that you ever had a history together? I’d be pissed at you too!”

Chandler groans and throws his head back against the couch, rubbing his hands over his face in distress.

“Help me fix this!”

“Maybe you could start by talking to him?” Monica suggests, moving around to the back of the couch to run a hand through his hair.

“That’s how I got into this mess! I’m not good at talking, I don’t know what to say!” He cries, sitting up ramrod straight and staring desperately at Monica. “Tell me what to say!”

“Chandler you have to figure this out yourself. Tell him what you _really_ feel, stop bottling up your feelings and tell him exactly what you feel!”

Chandler groans and goes back to burying his face in his hands.

Why are relationships so hard and why is he so _bad_ at them?

* * *

 

Seeing Joey with his new girlfriend is possibly the most painful thing Chandler has ever had to experience.

It happens while he and Rachel are walking up the stairs, deep in conversation about the movie they’d just seen when he spots them.

Joey and Janine, lip locked in the hallway between apartments 19 and 20.

Chandler was frozen.

Time moved in slow motion as Joey breaks the kiss and sends Chandler a look he’d never seen before.

His eyes hold no warmth, his lips wet from someone else’s kiss and his hands wrapped around a waist that isn’t his.

It isn’t right.

Chandler finds his feet as soon as Joey’s cold eyes meet his and his feet move on autopilot, launching his body down the stairs and onto the streets of New York. He swears he could hear Rachel yell ‘Chandler, wait!’ as his feet pounded down the familiar flight of stairs.

He couldn’t care less though.

His feet land painfully with each step as he runs through crowds of people just trying to get home for the evening and his lungs burn with each wheezing gasp of air he takes in.

He runs until he’s physically unable to run anymore and his legs burn with effort; he runs until he no longer has any idea where he is and the signs, lit with the street lights around him are unfamiliar.

He runs until he nearly collapses and then he runs some more.

It feels like hours before he finds himself doubled over outside of a dirty looking fast food restaurant, he clutches the cramp in his side and drags his feet through the entrance and into an even dirtier looking restroom.

He closes the stall door behind him and leans against his, closing his eyes and groaning when all he can see behind his eyelids is the sight of his ex-boyfriend and his new date locked in a passionate kiss. He clutches at his stomach when it tosses at the memory of Joey’s cold, unforgiving eyes meeting his own.

He drops to his knees in front of the toilet as his stomach lurches dangerously and clutches the rim of the bowl as his body involuntary jerks with the force of the gag on his lips.

Chandler Bing is a fucking idiot.

He had a relationship that made him happy, a relationship that had potential to be even more but the second he got a little scared, he threw it all away.

Tears sting at the corner of his eyes as he retches with each convulsion that rips through his body.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, he puts the blame for all this on his parents. He’d never seen what a healthy, loving relationship looks like so when he found himself in one, he didn't know what to do.

His throat burns as he spits the vomit into the toilet under his chin and sweat beads along his forehead. He coughs harshly with each wave of sickness.

He couldn’t recognize his own feelings of love so he did what he knew how best to do; he ran away. He ran away from unfamiliar feelings in an attempt to save himself from hurt but now he only finds himself in more pain then he’d ever imagined.

Joey’s lips, pressed against someone that isn’t him.

Joey’s hands, wrapped around a girl when they should be wrapped around him.

Joey’s heart, that he wore on his sleeve as he spilled his true feelings was broken by Chandler Bing.

It isn’t right.

Eventually, Chandler manages to drag himself to shaky feet and with a sweaty, trembling hand, he just barely manages to unlock the bathroom stall and drag himself to the mirror.

He hates what he sees.

The bags under his eyes are like two dark crescent moons, casting their hallow shadows over his face and giving him an almost sickly look.

Blue eyes, faded to a pale gray are wet with unfalling tears and his cheeks, moist from the sweat only serve to make him look even more pathetic than he already feels.

He doesn’t really care.

All he cares about is fixing this. Fixing the absolute mess he’s made for himself.

Fixing what happened to him and Joey.

* * *

 

 It’s late when his feet automatically take him up the familiar flight of stairs in an apartment building he no longer lives in.

“Chandler?”

He glances around as the door to apartment 20 opens just a crack and Monica’s face is revealed behind it.

“Oh thank god,” She breathes, throwing the door open and pulling him inside. Rachel jumps to her feet when she sees him. “Rachel told me what happened, are you okay?”

He opens his mouth but no works escape. Monica takes his hand and leads him carefully over to the couch where Rachel hovers nervously.

“Chandler, you’re shivering,” Monica frets as the girls drape a blanket over his shoulders. He grasps it gratefully, nodding his appreciation.

“Where have you been? I was worried sick,” Rachel says, taking a seat next to him and wrapping her arms comfortingly around his shoulders. He finds himself leaning into her touch.

“I couldn’t stand it,” He says when he finally trusts himself to speak. “I couldn’t stand seeing him with _her_.”

“I think we need to talk about what’s going on between you and Joey,” Monica says as she moves around the kitchen, preparing him a warm drink. He really doesn’t deserve the friend’s he has.

“I messed up.”

“Messed up what?” Rachel’s voice is soft, comforting.

“I never should have ended things between us,” He admits, gratefully taking the drink from Monica’s hands. It’s warm and he brings it closer to his face, relishing in the steam that emits from it. “I was scared so I ended things and it was the biggest mistake of my life.”

“What were you scared of?” Monica’s voice is barely above a whisper. It takes Chandler a long time to find the strength to answer her question. He takes the time to sip from the mug, letting his body relax as it fills with warmth.

“I was scared of how much I love him.”

He’s greeted with silence so he continues.

“I’d never… been in love before. I was scared of how much I liked him, how close I was to him so I felt like I needed to escape. I needed to get out before it got worse.”

He takes another drink before speaking again.

“I didn’t realize how much I needed him until I didn’t have him. I saw Joey with Janine today and it hurt so bad.”

He doesn’t realize he’s started crying until Monica reaches for a tissue to wipe away the stray tears that drip down his cheeks and off his chin.

“What are you going to do?”

“I’m going to have a conversation I should have had with him from the beginning. I’m going to come clean and tell him everything.”

“Chandler, you do realize he may not feel the same anymore, right?” Rachel speaks so cautiously, as if afraid he hadn’t thought of that possibility.

“I know,” He admits, somewhat sheepishly. “But I need to do this. Even if we can’t be what we were before, he needs to know. He needs to know so we can get past whatever it is we’re doing now. I’d settle for being friends if it means I can still be close to him.”

Monica let’s out a soft laugh and Chandler sends her curious look.

“I’m impressed, Chandler,” She says with a fond smile. “You’ve grown a lot.”

“Joey helped me grow,” He swipes the back of his hand across his cheek to brush away the last remaining tears and returns the smile to Monica. “I wouldn’t be half the man I am today without him.”

“When are you going to tell him?”

Chandler takes a deep breath, squares his shoulders and wipes his sweaty palms on his jeans.

“Tomorrow.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> only one chapter left!!! i really like this chapter but at the same time, i didn't actually reread it too many times so sorry if theres any mistakes!  
> i hope y'all are excited for next week's final chapter :-)


	4. I Love You (Again)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chandler finally says what he should have in the beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS IT. THE LAST CHAPTER. i'm a little sad to be done with it but I'm also really happy to have finished a longer story lol. I hope everyone enjoys reading this as much as I enjoyed writting it!! <3

Joey’s attempts at avoiding Chandler are both obvious and incredibly well done.

It takes Chandler nearly a week to get into contact with his ex-roommate and boyfriend.

“What are you doing here?” Joey asks as he comes home one evening to find Chandler sitting on the ground in the hallway outside of his apartment.

“I wanna talk.”

“I’m busy,” Joey says immediately as Chandler scrambles to his feet.

“It’ll only take a second,” Chandler tries, rushing forward to shove his foot between the wall and door as Joey attempts to shut it in his face. He doesn’t even flinch as his foot catches the door rather painfully.

It takes Joey a minute to open the door again and when he does, his expression is cool and unwelcome.

“What?” He says finally, not even trying to hide the impatience in his voice. “What do you want, Chandler?”

“I wanted to apologize,” He starts, his voice sounding way more confident then he actually feels. In all honestly, he’s about 50 percent sure he’s about to throw up in the doorway.

“For what?” Joey says, raising an unimpressed eyebrow. Chandler takes a deep breath and wills his stomach to settle.

“For everything. For breaking your heart, for trying to pretend like it never happened and in turn, not respecting your feelings. I’m sorry for ruining our friendship, for being insensitive, for being an asshole, for being--”

“Okay, I get it,” Joey cuts him off with a wave of his hand. They stand in uncomfortable silence for a while until Joey sighs and visibly relaxes. “I’m sorry too.”

“Why are you sorry?” This is unexpected. “You have nothing to apologize for!” Chandler says quickly, making some odd hand gesture even he can’t explain.

“I might have overreacted the other week. Y’know, when we fought in the hallway?”

“Yeah, I remember it.”

“Yeah… I shouldn’t have blown up in your face like that. I guess I was still a little upset over it all.”

Chandler’s honestly taken aback. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting when he came here but it definitely wasn’t an apology back.

“No, Joey, you were right. I’ve been a real asshole lately and I think it’s time I explained to you why,” Chandler confesses, biting the inside of his cheek nervously. Joey’s eyebrows raise in surprise and he hesitates a minute before pushing the door further open and allowing Chandler access into the apartment.

It looks almost exactly the same as when he left, with the exception of his own belongings which are still packed up at Ross’ apartment.

“Where’s Janine?” He asks, feigning casual interest but he’s honestly terrified she’s going to come home at any minute and interrupt this important conversation they need to have.

“We broke up and she moved out,” Is all Joey says as he moves into the kitchen to lean against the counter. He gestures for Chandler to sit across from at the barstools and he does so.

“I’m sorry,” Chandler mutters awkwardly; although to be frank, he couldn’t be happier to hear the news.

“Cut to the chase, Chandler. What did you want to talk about?” Joey says simply and Chandler takes a deep breath before beginning.

“I’d never been in a long lasting, healthy, committed relationship before you. I guess I didn’t know what to do but that doesn’t give me an excuse for the way I acted and treated you. I just… I got scared when you said you loved me so I ran away so I wouldn't have to deal with my own feelings.”

“Your feelings?” Joey asks, glancing uncertainty at him.

“My feelings,” Chandler confirms with a nod. “I was scared of how much I liked you and how fast we were moving… I--I _do_ love you, Joey.”

Joey’s expression creases into one of confusion and shock. Chandler stares at him, unblinking, waiting for a response of any kind.

“You do?”

“Yeah… I do.”

Joey closes his eyes and breathes out, slowly, through his nose. His brow furrows and his face takes on a pained sort of look and Chandler holds his breath, although he’s not sure why.

“It’s a little late for that, Chandler.”

“What?” His blood runs cold and the air rushes out of his lungs; he's pretty sure this is what drowning must feel like.

“It’s too late. You had your chance and you threw it away. I’m not-- I’m not going to let you do this to me anymore,” Joey says, his voice tight and his lips thin. Chandler’s still holding his breath and he’s pretty sure his hearts stopped beating by now. He’s positive the next stage is death but at the moment, he’s not too against that.

“Do what, Joey?”

“Hurt me. You keep doing this-- You keep hurting me! I’m trying to move on, Chandler! I only dated Janine so I could try and get over you-- Do you know how hard you are to get over? I can’t sleep because I miss having you next to me. I can’t do all the things I used to do because I can’t do them with you and it’s not the same! I hate cooking my own meals when I can’t share them with you!”

“But you can do those things again!” Chandler said, standing up quickly. “We can do those things! Joey, I love you, okay? I know I’m late but I didn’t realize what I lost until I threw it all away!”

“What do mean?”

“I mean-- I mean, I had no idea how much I loved you until I lost you! You have no idea how much it hurt to see you with Janine. I was so angry because you were holding _her_ instead of me and you were kissing her when you should have been kissing _me_!”

Tears are streaking down his cheeks but he couldn’t care less because Joey’s eyes are looking watery themselves.

“Joey, I’ll say it as many times as I need to until you understand! I will never hurt you like that again, I will never leave you again. I’ll do anything to make you understand that!” His voice is loud now and he’s standing as tall as he can because he needs Joey to understand.

Joey laughs and it’s shaky, borderline nervous.

“We’re a couple of idiots, aren’t we?” He chuckles.

“No,” Chandler says, with his own wobbly smile. “Just me.”

“I really miss you, Chandler,” Joey says abrustly, meeting his gaze head on.

“I miss you, too,” Chandler says softly, coming around the counter so he and Joey are on the same side now. “I really hope you’re thinking what I’m thinking or I’m about to way out of line.”

And he pulls Joey in for a passionate kiss. It’s a desperate, hungry kiss and Chandler’s eager to get as much out of it as he can. He hasn’t been able to feel Joey like this for almost 3 months; he hasn’t been able to hold him flush against his body while they’re locked in a passionate kiss for almost 3 whole months.

Joey returns the kiss just as desperately and they only break apart when the need for oxygen can't be ignored any longer.

They stare, red-faced and panting, at each other silently for several minutes before breaking into laughter.

It's things like this that Chandler missed the most. He missed laughing over absolutely nothing with his best friend; with the love of his life.

“Chandler Bing, if you ever leave me again I swear I'll never forgive you.”

“Joey Tribbiani, you have my word that I will never leave you again. I love you _so_ fucking much,” He expresses genuinely, pulling Joey close against him again. He’ll never get tired of saying those three words, of hearing himself speak them to the love of his life and to see his expression light up every time.

He’ll never get tired of loving Joey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that's all!! I'm sorry that this chapter took a while to come out, I'm still recovering from bronchitis so i didn't actually feel like writing much lately. but I finally finished it and I hope it was worth the wait!! <3

**Author's Note:**

> Right now it's aiming to have 4 chapters (I have 3 written but I think I want to split the second chapter up into two parts for a total of 4 !! We'll see, the length may change if I end up not doing that. who knows!! 
> 
> but I hope y'all like it!! I'm going to try to update on fridays!!


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